#33. This Moment: Away he goes...

Away he goes...

{this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour, and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same

leave your link in the comments 

then go to Soule Mama and do the same.

Squeaky D's Rainbow Birthday of Awesome!

I have been trying to write about Squeaky D's First Birthday for almost four months now. First I nearly lost all of the photos that were taken that day. Very very few photos were taken, but to lose them all in a technical glitch? I don't want to think about it. But I did recover some photos, thankfully, and I've decided to let them mostly speak for themselves. Yes? Yes.

I made the Royal Birthday Baby a quick birthday crown.

I know babies don't really care about their first birthdays. And that is totally cool. But I really wanted to invite over all the people who love him and give everyone a really spectacular day. Since Squeaky D's favourite thing at the time was colours (uh, isn't it every baby's?) I decided to keep it a really simple Rainbow theme and just have fantastic food and a colourful experience for everyone. A big thanks to D's Auntie Kaylin who came over a few hours in advance and helped out big time!

An old parachute hung from the ceiling and a rainbow umbrella.

I was kind of nervous to have a bunch of kids in my house. There, I said it. It scares me! I used to work with kids, so it is strange that I am nervous about it. It isn't because I don't know songs or games to play! There weren't even that many coming, really, it was an adult-heavy event. I decided I would build the children a fort in our second bedroom, fill it with all the toys and a ton of rainbow balloons, and encourage them to make their own good time? It worked. Perfectly.

White and rainbow holiday lights lit the parachute from behind.

The view of the birthday fort from above... several days later!

I kept the grab bags really simple. Every one, even the adults, got a paper bag that I decorated with old scrap-booking leftovers. The children's bags had homemade rainbow playdough, bubbles, a colourful pen, tattoos, and a jar full of rainbow jelly beans, a chocolate, and a disco ball holiday ornament.

Sad goodie bags that were left behind.

Jars full of Jelly Beans for everyone!

 I really didn't get a lot of shots of the food or drinks. I did rainbow fruits and rainbow (as much as possible!) vegetables. I had the usual meat and cheese and hummus and dips and some mini-tacos that went way too fast. I did gluten free and dairy free chocolate cupcakes that were so delicious, iced them with coconut-milk frosting and topped with sprinkles in rainbow colours. Desmond's cupcake was the only one with more than one colour. 

Not a huge fan. He didn't take one bite!

One of each colour. 

I put up a Rainbow Photo wall but only one guest had her photo taken there - and she slept right through it! Squeaky D's good friend Attia brought her Mama, Sarah from A Random Sampling, but was too tuckered out to stay up for photos.

Sarah and Attia

I hand-dyed the orange streamers myself. No joke, a month after Halloween and no orange streamers to be found. And I went to five different stores. So I made my own. Ha!

Our little family is one year old.

At the end of the day, The Squeaker had a fantastic time. He spent most of the day chasing around the other kids and laughing his face off. That's all I really wanted. Oh yeah, and delicious food. 

BIRTHDAY SMOOCHES ZOMG

Happy Birthday, Squeaky D! I love you.

All I need to keep breastfeeding my toddler.

When Desmond was five months old I managed to slip away one afternoon with out him.  I was a new size again, and I wanted to go shopping. I called my best shopping friend and she took me to the mall, the biggest mall, the one that makes me the most lost ever. It was a cold day, but it felt like spring, and we ran through the parking lot with no jackets on.

The reason why I remember this so vividly is because we were talking about breastfeeding. Desmond was almost 6 months and I was proud that I had made it to this milestone. I told her I definitely planned to keep nursing for at least a year ...Maybe even two. She was shocked, but only a little bit. She asked me sincerely, could I handle that kind of responsibility to my child for two ENTIRE years? At the time it seemed overwhelming to me. Five months had felt like forever, already. Could I really make it two years?

At this point I guess I can't answer that question. I'm only 15 and a half months in. But over these past 15 months things have only became easier relative to our rocky start. When I am honest with myself, I realize I have only grown to love it more. Every hurdle we meet we approach with an open mind and then we stride over with such ease that I think maybe we were meant to keep doing this a little while longer.

This past December, Desmond was 13 months old. We were celebrating Christmas with our extended family and, of course, I was nursing him. I am most comfortable nursing away from my family and, of course, no one said anything to me about it. It was almost laughable how I felt it bubble up inside me, the need to justify it to those around me.

There are so so so many reasons to justify breastfeeding a toddler. More than any one person could spew in a minute or two just to fill awkward silence. BESIDES, I said too loudly, my doctor told me to go all the way to two years old!* --cue nervous laughter and shifty eyes--

The truth is, I don't need to justify it to friends, family, or strangers. I don't need you to like it. I've done the research and I know it is what's best for my son and best for me, and that is all that I need to keep going.

Four hundred and seventy one days of breastfeeding, and no reason to stop now. 

So cheers to all the moms breastfeeding toddlers right now, are you reading this blog? How old is your nursling?

*My doctor did recommend we breastfeed until "at least" 2 years old, for a multitude of reasons, but mainly THIS.

#32. This Moment: Sunny Days.

{this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour, and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same

leave your link in the comments 

then go to Soule Mama and do the same.

Ten and a half things.

In the interest of posting more lately, and because I feed off the tidbits of information my internet-pals put out there, I will happily play the role of the tagged in this meme, as dictated unto me by Sarah of A Random Sampling. She rocks, and so did her 10.5 things, so I couldn't let her down. Here are mine:

#1 - A picture of me. I chose this picture because lately I feel like such a wuss. I need to challenge some of my own inner bad ass.

#2 - 10 Random Facts about Me

1. I still have an old Super Nintendo system kicking around, even though we don't have a TV, and I swear that I will kick your ass at Dr Mario.
2.  We have very little art hanging on our walls because we rent this house and the walls are made of thick old plaster. And it chips. And we're terrified of being charged for damage. This leaves me feeling really uninspired by our place right now.
3. I really super duper love rainbows. I have a lot of rainbow things, like mugs, shirts, scarves, and yes. Suspenders. 
4. I collect records. It's something that happened after my dad bequeathed me his amazing collection of albums and 45s from 1956-1981. I fell in love with the sound of needle on vinyl and I've been adding to my collection ever since.
5. I grew up in the country and I know how to toss a bale of hay around.
6. People are usually surprised by this because I go to Burning Man, but I'm actually not super duper into electronic music. I mean, some of it is pretty good and I've enjoyed some DJs more than others, but nothing beats live grungy dirty rock and roll. No? 
7. I'm afraid I might be addicted to chips. I might be, you guys. I eat a lot of chips.
8. I used to be able to write poems. I used to have the time and inspiration to write something that could sound good and be witty and more than 140 characters. Sigh. 
9. Clean sheet day makes me happier than it should.
10. My absolute most favourite book in the world is Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. 

Sarah's Questions:

1. What was the first album you ever purchased (vinyl, tape, or cd)?
The first CD I ever bought myself was The Offspring - Smash in the 6th Grade. It opened my eyes to punk music! 
2. What was the first accessory you bought with your own money?
I bought this little grey and black messenger bag purse in Grade 7, I thought I was so slick.
3. Favourite gift you’ve ever received?
Someone once wrote a song for me for my birthday. <3 
4. The coolest person you’ve ever met?
Don't tell Mandude, but I think he is pretty cool. 
5. The item in your home with the most sentimental value?
My old teddy bear. 
6. The grossest thing in your refrigerator right now?
My coconut yogurt went bad before I even opened it. Very green. 
7. Something you always purchase at the grocery store?
Nuts of some sort. Coconut milk.
8. One thing you hope to accomplish this year.
Write. Write. Write. 
9. Your current favourite song.


10. What we’d eat together if I showed up on your door step today.
I would make you some of our leftovers from dinner, a buffalo chicken wrap with daiya cheese, some vinnyegrett (Russian beet salad), and maybe a power fruit smoothie. No seriously, I didn't name it.

Tagged: Jessica, Riley, Opal, Amanda

1) What would 17 year old you say if they could see you now?
2) It's your birthday and you can eat anything you want all day with no repercussions. What's on the menu?
3) Name one thing that scares you.
4) What book have you read that has changed you?
5) What song gets you up and motivated?
6) If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
7) What is your favourite app on your phone? If no smart phone, favourite website.
8) Name a guilty pleasure.
9) Which famous person would you like to meet?
10) Describe your hugging style in three words.

Monotony and the self.

Just write something, she said. I believe in you, Mama.

But what is there to write when day in and day out is monotony? Granted, the most meaningful monotony of my entire existence, but monotony just the same.

This is my first post in 2012, since November to be clear, and it is, so far, worthless. How do you write about each day when each day looks exactly the same as the last? How do you write about the feelings when the feelings never change, a veritable roller-coaster in grey. Things are sunny, things are dark but ultimately they are all the same. Get up. Milk. Breakfast. Milk. Playtime. Milk. Groceries. Milk. Lunch. Milk. Nap-time. Milk Milk Milk. Clean clean clean. Cook cook cook.

Is he walking yet? Is he talking yet? Is he a super-star rock n' roll basketball hero yet?

I remember when I used to be creative, but not vividly. I remember it like I remember looking at a powerful photograph, not as though I was really there. I remember when I used to feel that my art meant something. To me, mostly, and maybe to other people, too.

What is a blog for, is it for me? A space to be honest about who I am to a world of people who only wish to tear me down silently behind their computer screens? Or is it a space for me to harp about the parenting choices I make, subsequently making other people question their own monotonous existence? If it is meant to be a space to connect, how do I feel so disconnected? Compared to everyone else at all times.


The other day I realised something again, but for the first time. We are nothing, all of us. We are specs of nothing on the grand scheme of nothingness. This is very freeing, as it means I can do anything I want, I can make any choice I'd like to make. I have only me, I can only control myself. No one else is working to make me happy. No one.

I have begun to consciously choose selfishness. But only when the little one is sleeping.

Has it been a year?

I wear my age proudly, like a child.

Each year that passes, I look back at what I've come through. I thumb through old journal entries and letters. I think to myself, I have survived this. I made it through the difficult days and the wonderful ones, too. Each year just seems to get easier.

So, why not? Be proud of how I get older, I mean. It's fantastic, isn't it? Like a puzzle I am building - aiming for a picture of grace, wisdom, humour, and compassion.

February 2010

Sometimes this motherhood thing can be intense. It's true that everybody tells you, everybody says: it changes you. But what they don't say is that it can rip the you right out of your body for a while. Right out of your experience. That you will find yourself watching your life pass by as though you aren't even living it anymore.

You are so quickly thrown into the fire of passion and motherhood that you don't even have time to notice how you are not you. You are other. It isn't necessarily bad. It is just so scary, at first, and so different. It can be hard to know exactly where you are going, anymore, and if you are going anywhere at all. I used to be a steam engine, laying tracks seconds before I powered over them. And now I ask myself if I am even going anywhere at all. We've scaled this mountain side, and now we take pause. Which path leads this train to happiness?

Even now, as I explore this new role, I'm still dig dig digging into the back of my mind, deep in self-reflection. Even now, nearly a year later. Nearly a year since I walked out of the hospital wide-eyed in disbelief that they were letting us take this tiny fragile human being home in our care. To our home. Forever. Even now, I'm still not sure who I am.

But I can see myself, coming through the forest, with a steady pace and a more confident step than I have had in years. I can see all the strength inside myself, the willingness to be magnificent and electric. Without ego. Simply to be the best human I can be, for myself, for my son. Within my own boundaries. 

And I like that the glimpses of my old self still shine through in so many tenacious and spectacular ways.

#31. This Moment: Hummus Face

This week I am going to shuck the rules on my "This Moment" post! 

Firstly, it is a day early. I know. But I have a blog post scheduled for tomorrow and it is weirdly important for me to be a stand-alone post. And second, there are words on this This Moment post. WORDS! ILLEGAL WORDS! But all is forgiven once you look at the hilarious face Squeaky D is making in this picture, nomming on a brown rice wrap with chicken and hummus. 

Sorry I keep posting pictures of Baby D eating in his high-chair. But, I'm not actually sorry. This baby is ON THE MOVE and all pictures work best if he is secure strapped down. Maybe next week I'll have something different. Until then? Enjoy laughing at my little animal:

Squeaky D's best Hummus Face

 {this moment}

A Friday THURSDAY ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour, and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same

leave your link in the comments 

then go to Soule Mama and do the same.

Happy Halloween from the Angriest Squid

We decided not to go trick or treating this year because most of the candy would not be edible, for us. 

So I didn't put any time or effort or money into a costume of any sort for Squeaky D. At the last moment I had pangs of regret at not taking the opportunity to dress him up for his first Hallowe'en. I quickly filled long dark socks with fabric, pinned them to a soft elastic to go around his waist. I plopped a grey toque with felt eyes on his head. He was a squid.

Happy Halloween from the Angriest Squid

The angriest squid of all time. He was in the "costume" for all of 1.5 minutes. Next year we might have to practice leading up to the big day. But he loved handing out the candy with me!

Link me up to photos of your adorable children, whether they hated on Hallowe'en or loved it! 

The Secret to great Sweet Potato Fries {rookie Recipe}

Remember weeks ago when I tweeted that I had discovered the secret to amazing and crispy home made sweet potato fries?

Yes. Just yes.

 Well. First, sorry that it has taken me so long to make the big reveal. And second, I lied. There isn't one secret, there are two. And one came about because of the other. A tangled web of delicious secret fries!

After chopping my humongous sweet potato into thick baby-hand-sized frenched fries, I debated between using olive oil or coconut oil to coat the fries and settled on what is now the first secret - Coconut Oil - to bake the fries. I set the oven to 350F and began to smear on the coconut oil, but the cool moist fries hardened the oil and it would not spread. This is when I realized I could parboil the fries, the second secret, in the mircowave for two minutes to heat the oil as well as seal in the tastiness! Huzzah! Parboiling the fries is really the difference between soft and crispy sweet potato fries.

As the fries came out of the microwave, I made sure each fry was coated in coconut oil and sprinkled on some cumin, fresh ground pepper, and mrs. dash, my most predictably favourite spice mix. I made sure to spread the fries out evenly, not a single fry was touching another fry, and left them in the oven around 25 minutes, until the ones around the edges were browned. This is where the little known half-secret comes in: don't add salt to your fries until after they come out of the oven.  You'll thank me afterwards.

More for Mama.

Unless you are Squeaky D. Because quite frankly, he hated the sweet potato fries.

#30. This Moment: Please, no pictures.

Please, no pictures.

 {this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour, and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same

leave your link in the comments 

then go to Soule Mama and do the same.

My first handmade trade: SUCCESS!

I make no secret of my love over twitter. The biggest reason, of course, is that it has connected me to some pretty spectacular people.

Many of you reading these exact words, probably.

But one person who was brought swiftly to me after joining twitter was @chasingthenuns, or Sarah from Cerlandia.com. I have freaking loved this woman since BEFORE I WAS A MOM! Which seems like a lifetime and a half ago, okay?

She approached me to do a handmade trade and I said YES! And then we had a postal strike. And then I ruined the thing I was making for her. And then I was just the WORST INTERNET FRIEND of all time and just dragged my ass for weeks leaving the project unfinished while I trudged through sleeplessness and grumpy life.

But in the meantime, Sarah was timely and thoughtful and mailed me my half of the handmade trade.

When I opened up the package, the first thing I saw was my first (of hopefully many!) handwritten letter from her.

I pulled out the bag and immediately fell in love with it.

I just have to show you a close up of the adorable appliques she made! Originally I had hinted we might be using this bag for shopping.

So cute, right? Even crumpled up right out of the box, this bag is perfect, with gorgeous vintage fabric lining. Even though we don't use the bag for groceries anymore. It has officially become our library bag! So perfect for books. Plus, if Sarah lived here, we would for sure be library buddies, I just know it.

She even gifted me some of her son's cloth diaper covers for our own cloth diapering adventures.

And she never once complained (out loud) about how late and horrible I was. I can only hope I made up for it by sending her something she will really love... truly the hardest applique I have ever put on one of my stitched hand-bound journals! But she deserves it.

Love you, Sarah! So glad you found a way into my life and my heart.

Snail Mail Friends Forever,
Farren

Ps - Here is a sneak preview of the applique I made for her hand-bound Journal:

Go take a peek HERE to see the journal in its completion!!

Going dairy-free for my nursling was the easiest choice.

I spend a lot of time talking about gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, yadda yadda yadda-free eating. And this is why my recipes are gluten free and dairy free. It's not exactly my idea of the perfect diet, says the cheese-loving egg-nog-missing me. But it has been by far the best choice I could ever make for me and my family.

Allow me to explain.

Around August of 2009, I started to put two and two together (OMG, FOUR!) and realised that I was not healthy and in denial. For a large part of my adult life I had been sick and still did nothing about it. So I started reading. I talked to a doctor, I talked to many friends with similar afflictions, and I decided to reduce gluten in my diet.

I started feeling a lot better. I reduced it even further. I immediately noticed that my skin was better, my stomach felt better, I was less bloated, I didn't spend hours in the bathroom every morning. Within a month my depression had lifted. Within two months, my lady-cycle was regular.

After I became pregnant, I noticed anything gluten made me much sicker than before and completely stopped eating anything with gluten. Now even a slight slip up and I am violently ill.

Easy peasy, right?

I wish that were all. After the birth of my son (almost a full year ago? holy balls.) there was a steep learning curve. He threw us for a loop. Why was he always coughing, sputtering, and screaming? Why did his breath smell like acid, why does he hiccup all day and arch his back away from me when I try to nurse him? Don't babies like to nurse? The doctor diagnosed him with reflux, gave us a prescirption and sent us on our way. We used it, and it helped with the reflux, but not with the tummy pains. And definitely not with the mucousy, frothy green poops. Yeah, that's right, poop talk. I'll try to keep it limited.

All of this, of course, was accompanied with one very unhappy baby. So we searched for answers. Several mothers recommended eliminating certain things from my diet, especially dairy, so I played around with it and saw results. Three weeks off dairy completely and we were able to ditch the reflux medicine. This led me to try a full elimination diet, eating only rice, chicken, some vegetables and few fruits for two weeks, and then slowly re-introducing foods.

At first it was very apparent that Squeaky D reacted to dairy, egg, soy, and peanut, and at the time I also suspected beef, beans, citrus, and tomato, though I can thankfully eat those now!  Lately I have also stopped eating cashews and shellfish because of recent reactions. Some of these we have actually let him try, like egg, and he has had rashes across his face and chest almost immediately afterward. Scary.

Eczema Baby D - Still getting rid of dairy

For a long time I had nothing but the anecdotal experience of very wise Mamas to back me up, and a lot of defending to do about my diet and our restrictions to family and friends. I've been told to give it up and "just wean to goat's milk" because this all must be "fake" or "too hard." But then I read Dr Jay Gordon's article analyzing dairy protein allergy in children and nurslings and I felt vindicated. More and more literature supports nursing moms who decide to eliminate dairy and other foods from their diet.

And honestly. It hasn't been that difficult. There have been times when I have forgotten to read ingredients and had a slip up, and ohh boy. There is nothing inside me that wishes that kind of pain on my little boy, no amount of delicious applewood smoked gouda could convince me to go through the terror that the following two days (and three nights) would bring. No matter how drool-worthy.

So that is why all my recipes are weirdly dairy free. And egg free. And gluten free. And all that other stuff free. I have enjoyed the challenge of teaching myself to cook, especially within these interesting restrictions. And I love me a happy, healthy baby.

#29. This Moment: Follow the Yellow Leaf Path...

Lovely Autumn Path

 {this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour, and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same

leave your link in the comments 

then go to Soule Mama and do the same.

#28. This Moment: My Autumn Baby

Autumn Baby

 

 {this moment}

A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour, and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same

leave your link in the comments 

then go to Soule Mama and do the same.