Being a Mom is Hard Enough - Guest Blogger Cerlandia

Before becoming a Mom Sarah received a Master of Arts degree in Sociology and worked with troubled youth. Currently she enjoys staying at home with her two young children and crafting whenever she has free time. You can see what she's up to over at Cerlandia.

I had to really think hard about doing this guest post. I was incredibly honored to be asked, but I value my family's privacy (as well as my own) and I try to find humor in all things. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of humor in this story; even I who can find humor in Husband finding out his product was moving to Seattle while our kitchen was torn down to the studs still fail to find humor in Daughter's birth story.

Or better, the story of why I was unable to breast feed. I talked with Husband about the privacy issues I had with it and we both agreed that people need to know that not everyone can breast feed, nor does everyone want to for their own reasons. People should be respectful of other's choices and in part, it was this lack of respect that made me hate leaving the house when I knew I had to feed Daughter. I will try not to get up on a soap box, but I make no promises. I'm sure that I will be opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but as a tech at the emergency room who was trying to start an I.V. told me, I have tough skin.

When Husband and I found out we were pregnant there was a mix of emotions, but we came to terms and we were excited. We chose a wonderful midwife whom we both really liked and the pregnancy was going so well. The baby was doing great, there was no reason to think she wouldn't be healthy. Until 31 weeks. I had a tiny spot of blood and mentioned it at my appointment the next day. Turns out I was 1.5 cm dilated, the head was down way lower than it should have been and after the stress test the midwife found that I was having contractions every minute. I had no idea. A premature contraction feels a lot different than a full term contraction (I learned that later - it has been likened to your baby curling into a ball) and pair that with my high pain tolerance I didn't even notice. We were sent off to the hospital (I think this was 4 days before Christmas) where I was admitted for three days while they did their thing to stop the contractions and gave me steroids to help her lungs develop. There is a bit of irony there as I wanted an all natural pregnancy only to end up getting steroids.

I made it two weeks on bed rest until my water broke. Daughter was born at 33 weeks and 3 days (I used to say she was 6 weeks early until a doctor clarified that they call that 7 weeks early). During labor a doctor from the NICU came in telling us what to expect having a baby that early. I don't really remember anything but the baby will most likely be in the hospital until the due date. The birth was not the easiest, but that's a story for another day. I was only able to hold her for less than 5 minutes. We did skin to skin, but didn't even try having her latch on because the doctors were worried about her breathing. She was taken to the NICU for tests and to get cleaned up, but we were told they would bring her back if she showed signs of wanting to eat. About an hour later when they were done cleaning me up we asked the midwife to go back and see about her. She came back with great news; Daughter was going to be brought to our room!

That's when the breast feeding struggles began. Turns out that back in the NICU they decided (even though our chart and the bassinet clearly stated I wanted to breastfeed) to give her an ounce of formula. At the time I had no idea the damage that may have been done; that you're supposed to nurse your baby as soon as possible. It wasn't until 6 hours later, when it was well past her next feeding, that the nurse had a lactation consultant come in. It wasn't that I didn't try to get help from the nurses, because I had. Daughter's latch on looked wonderful, she wasn't sucking. I kept trying to tell the nurses there was something wrong and they kept putting me off telling me the lactation consultant would be in as soon as she came in for the day. Approximately 12 hours after Daughter was born a pediatrician was called in and confirmed that there was indeed something wrong. Her blood gases were high and she wasn't getting enough oxygen. Plus a heart murmur.

The day after she was born

Here's something else a lot of new moms may not know, if you can't breastfeed for any reason, it is important that you pump as soon as you are able. And then every 2-3 hours after. Nobody brought a pump to my room until 14 hours later. I got the tiniest amount of colostrum for her and then my milk came in. I pumped ever 2-3 hours for the almost 4 weeks Daughter was in the NICU and made an ounce a day. That is what she was eating every 3 hours. You would think the nurses would have been supportive, but the NICU was my first experience being judged simply because I didn't make enough milk. Not because I wasn't trying, I did skin to skin every time I was there and pumped every 2-3 hours. I don't think I went out except to get a meal once in a while or visit the NICU. I heard such comments from the nurses as:

This is all you have for us?

You need to drink more fluids!

Don't you know this is the amount she drinks at one feeding?

I already felt like a failure for having a premature baby, but now I got to feel like a double failure because my body didn't produce enough milk for my child. I never got to see the lactation consultant in the hospital again; unless you were having issues feeding you didn't get to see her (it was a large hospital and she was extremely busy). We did rent a hospital grade pump, like it was recommended, it just didn't help.

When Daughter was getting healthier and her sucking reflex started to kick in I wanted to breast feed. Not one nurse encouraged it. Instead I was told that I could breast feed but that she'd still have to be fed the ounce of formula since I wasn't making that much and she couldn't lose weight. I was told that the doctors needed to know how much she ate and they wouldn't be able to tell that if I breast fed, but the choice was ultimately mine. So basically if I wanted to doom my daughter to the fate of being in the NICU longer then I could breast feed. At least that's how it sounded to me. I should have fought more, but I really really just wanted Daughter home so I let them give her the formula.

Two days before she went home

When we got home from the hospital I tried breast feeding a lot, but I had a lot of the same fears. We were told at discharge that if she didn't eat so much per day (and we were supposed to keep track) that she'd be back in the hospital. Nobody told me that it would be okay to breast feed and then bottle feed. That it wasn't a big deal to mix formula and breast milk and that my daughter would be able to tell me if she wasn't getting enough food. Instead we were taught (like a lot of NICU parents) that we should not trust a preemie.

The Monday after she was discharged we had an appointment at the breast feeding clinic (the one they never told me that I could have gone to when she was in the NICU to get help with low milk supply) and the lactation consultant walked in to us giving her a bottle. You would think that a lactation consultant, or anyone really, would be happy that at least the baby was getting food. But no. She seriously yelled at us. As in raised her voice and yelled at us for giving her formula. And so I explained why I was giving her formula and that's when she became helpful. She told me to breast feed, then give the bottle, and then pump to try to increase my milk supply. She also gave me some herbs to try and told me that there was a prescription medication that could also take, but she hesitated going that route (as did I, Daughter had had quite enough prescriptions in her young life). So I tried all of that. This was my routine:

feed for an hour

bottle feed for a half hour

pump for a half hour

sleep for a half hour

get up and do it all over

It worked fine the week my husband was home so that he could do the bottle feeding and I could get an hour of sleep, but when he went back to work there was no way I could keep up that schedule and still stay sane. My milk supply never increased even though I was told it should within a week. I just physically and mentally couldn't do it anymore and so we switched to formula.

And if I thought the nurses and the lactation consultant were bad they were nothing compared to others (some complete strangers). One said it was a shame because breast feeding is the best thing about being a woman (now I'm a bad mother and just a shame to women everywhere? Might as well take me out back and shoot me; I'm sure the jury will understand). I was told that my child would be stupid, overweight, would hit puberty early, and wouldn't be good at math (I'm still trying to figure that one out). And the looks strangers would give could be horrid. Which is hilarious because I've seen strangers give those same looks to breast feeding moms; so the only thing I can come up with is that moms who are still feeding their children from a bottle or breast just aren't allowed outside the home.

I can't help but wonder if without all of the pressure to breast feed and with actual support from people I knew and from people who were caring for my child I might have made it a little longer. I'll never know and as guilty as I felt then I don't anymore. Daughter is 5, is not stupid, or overweight. I have no idea if she'll hit puberty early or not and I'm not going to worry about it. Girls are hitting puberty early, some have even been breast fed. I do know that I had a Son three years later. Everything went right and I still didn't produce enough milk for him. I started to do the same thing in terms of breast feed, bottle feed, pump until it suddenly occurred to me that I was exhausting myself and not being as good of a mom as I could be. From that point on I just breast fed during the day and pumped only when Husband was doing night feedings. And I was a much better mother.

Being a mom is a hard enough job without people judging you on how you feed, whether you cloth diaper or use disposables, or whether you cosleep or babywear; and I can't help but wonder if we supported each other instead of judging each other if maybe (just maybe) this mothering thing wouldn't be as hard.

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I am honoured to host this guest post from Sarah at Cerlandia, and invite you to leave supportive comments as well as visit her lovely blog.

xox
Farren Square

The Bad Mommy versus The Perfect Mommy

When I announced my pregnancy to my large group of -mostly childless- friends, several people told me that I would make a good mom.

That sentence scared me like nothing else in pregnancy ever had. What does it even mean, to be a good mother? How does one qualify what a good mother looks like, sounds like? And if some mothers are good mothers, that means there are bad mothers - and what if I was secretly one of them? What if I was selfish sometimes and wanted to go to the bathroom without my kid in there with me, what if I wanted to leave my baby with his daddy and escape to the coffee shop sometimes, does that make me a bad mommy?

Is this what a bad Mommy looks like?

What if I put my sleeping baby down in a swing, does that make me a bad mommy? What if cloth diapers just don't work for us overnight - now am I a bad mommy?

It's all just too much to think about, defining who is and who isn't a bad mommy. I can only focus on what I choose to do because it feels right to me.

It feels right to put my sleeping baby in a swing, where he will be rocked and loved while I breathe and sip the cold coffee I made for myself hours earlier. It feels right to put him in a disposable diaper so that neither of us are waking every hour for a diaper change. It feels right to take time to re-charge every so often, to remind myself that I am just "I" - not always a "We."

It feels right to breastfeed my baby, but if that didn't work for us the way it has so far, it would feel right to make sure my baby was fed and happy - no matter what I had to do to accomplish that task.

In 2008 I had the chance to be a part of a community where nobody is judged for any choice that they happen to make, as long as it is respectful to others. I felt absolutely freed from the world's negativity. I vowed that I would return to my life and work harder than ever before to make sure nobody I ever encountered felt judged for any choice they make (as long as it was respectful towards others). I've slipped up more than once, but I still continue forward with this mission, especially now that becoming a mommy has opened up a gorgeously diverse group of women for me.

But as I get to know these mothers, as I move forward as a mother myself... I'm realising that I never stopped judging myself. I never stopped and allowed myself to simply make the best choices that I can. I haven't let myself believe that it's okay not to be an absolutely perfect mother.

Or that maybe I get to be the one who decides what perfect means for my family. I think it is time to move forward, to let go. I think it's time for freedom.

My Body's Potential - A Mother's Body Image

I just gave birth 110 days ago. That really doesn't sound like a lot, and it isn't. I'm still processing a lot of what has happened in these last 111 days. For one, my entire perspective on the world has been shifted - there is not one thought in my mind that hasn't been altered by the arrival of my child. But I feel a physical shift, too.

My Belly - Shot by Maak Photography

I know I'm early in the game. I realize it hasn't even been four months since my body rose and swelled and then promptly deflated with the birth of my baby. But every day I look in the mirror and I can see the changes. I pull on my jeans and I can feel where I'm different. In pictures my face seems to be a new shape. My smile is deeper, sometimes I look more concerned than I intend to.

And for the first time in my life I have an extrinsic force motivating me to be healthy, not just a nagging voice inside my head. I do it for him and not for the reflection in the mirror and the societal expectation. A week after birth I remember marveling at my belly when it felt so soft and so empty, lifeless and striped with bright red zigzags. I said out loud: "I want to be proud of my stretchmarks because they gave me something beautiful, they are a symbol of my strength." They are pink-silvery now. Sometimes I barely notice them and sometimes I look so closely at them but mostly I accept them and let them make me feel powerful. My breasts, too, have changed - fuller and heavier than ever before, charged alone with completely sustaining a delicately tiny human life.

Today I stepped out of a shower and actually had a moment's pause to look at myself. I told myself to love my body for what it can do, not what it looks like. They way we love a good book or perfectly ripe avocado with rumply brown skin. My body is more powerful and amazing than either of those things. My body's potential is beyond exponential, it can make something of nothing at all.

Some Breastfeeding Surprises: Help and more.

Baby Des is three months old. One quarter of a year.

That means that I have been sustaining his life with my body alone for over 375 days. I have been breastfeeding him for over 92 days.

I don't understand how that number can seem so small and so large at the same time. On one hand, the time really has scampered past much faster than I anticipated. On the other hand, it feels like so so long ago that I was first looking down at his little face, watching him root and find me, latch himself and get to task.

As a duo, I am thankful that we haven't yet had any problems that got in the way of our nursing relationship. Part of it has been my tenacity and part of it seems pure luck - I know I'm fortunate that I haven't had to sort through a bad latch, thrush, or plugged ducts.

At the same time, it hasn't all been easy. I know many women gush about breastfeeding, and I do it too. But there were a few things that came as a surprise to me as we began breastfeeding as total newbs. And I was one of those pregnant women that committed to breastfeeding as soon as I saw those two little lines, so I was sure that things weren't going to surprise me. I was educated, well-read, had friends who were successful, and belonged to several supportive online breastfeeding communities - but I soon learned nothing will prepare you the way experience will (the way all parenting seems to be), and I had a lot more learning to do.

Some things that surprised me about breastfeeding:

1 - Don't expect to do anything but eat and nurse. Okay, I did read this. It didn't sink in. I had no idea how much time I would be spending as a moo cow for my little baby. From the very beginning, the baby's favourite place to be was my chest. Baby was noming on Colostrum - the first milk a mother makes for her new little one, and this is more than enough for your babe for the first while. Cuddling skin-to-skin as well as nursing frequently and on-demand helped my milk come in on the second day we were home. But my sleepy baby just couldn't stay awake while in the ultimate comfort zone, so I kept a cool cloth handy to keep him awake and we spent a lot of time in the rocking chair. My most spoken sentence had to be: "He wants to nurse AGAIN? ALREADY?" This is why having a support person in those first two to three weeks can be so helpful. My partner actually fed me at one point, which is hilarious now but at the time, so necessary. While his stomach slowly grew, he also became a more efficient and alert baby who could eat in less than 15 minutes.
Moral of the story: Your baby will literally be depending on you, so don't expect to do much, especially when you are also still healing from birth. Arrange to have someone support you by cooking and feeding you and cleaning your house, even if they have to stop in nightly to do it. Feed your baby as often as he or she asks, even if (/especially if!) you feel you don't have any milk and remember that it isn't going to last forever. Lean down and smell their tiny heads, soak up the love, and take at least a few pictures while nursing.

2 - Yeah, it is going to hurt. But just a little, and just at first.  We were released early from the hospital because we were healthy, breastfeeding well, and so ready to go home. From the very start I noticed that his latch was sensitive for me and I got several nurses to take a look. It was totally great, totally fine, totally NORMAL, they said. One week later and my nipples feel raw. I'm applying lanolin after every feed. My toes curl when he goes to latch. Which, yes, he is doing ever hour and a half. I hysterically e-mail my friends who have breastfed, I think, "I'M DOING IT WRONG!" They console me: It's totally fine, totally normal. That is when I learn what no one ever said: It IS going to hurt at first. Your nipples do have to get used to this new extended contact, they have to toughen up. Just like any guitar master has to grow callouses on their hands, your nipples will have to get accustomed to your tiny baby learning to eat. They may get sore, they may get raw, they may even form scabs. But it's okay, it will get easier, the pain goes away, the nipples heal, and you come out the other side forgetting it even happened.
Moral of the story: Practice makes perfect, and your nipples need to get accustomed to their new job. Compared to giving birth, it's a breeze so bear with it and you'll see your way through it in no time. If you have a painful latch for longer than the first 2-3 weeks seek help! See below for more details on where to look for answers.

Des on his 3 month-iversary.

 3 - There are no rules. Get the milk into the baby, that is the only rule. You might have to strip down to get the baby to eat. You might have to get into a rocking chair and not stop rocking for 40+ minutes. Your baby might feed 12 times a day. Your baby might feed 24 times a day. The cross-cradle hold may not work for you, you might have to try several different positions or just make one up yourself. You might not even be able to feel your let-down, and you may find it easier to get started with a nipple shield. When things get tough - when you get overtired and you haven't showered in three days, you are hungry and you, like every mother, have no idea what you are doing - you will have to try everything until something works. You'll know when it does.
Moral of the story: There are no two breastfeeding relationships alike. Whether it is small or large differences - not everything will work for everybody. This is why it is so important to PREPARE!

4 - PREPARE! Yes, you need to find a comfortable spot in your home where you will be happy to sit for a long time over the course of the day. Yes, it is important to make sure you have a large waterbottle. But most importantly: learn about breastfeeding ahead of time, and gather a large enough support group that if you do run into any problems you will have a solid, encouraging, and informed collective of women in which to find answers. Looking back on my experience, I wish I had gone to a La Leche League meeting while I was still pregnant. Many women encouraged me to go - but at the end of a work day I was all together nervous, shy, and fatigued from pregnancy that I never went. That was my mistake because it only gets harder to leave the house once you have a baby. All the women at the LLL meetings are just so welcoming and friendly, there was no need to feel shy at all. Or lazy. If I could go back I would've kicked my slow pregnant butt out the door and gone to an LLL meeting sooner, for sure.
Moral of the Story: The internet is a new mom's best friend, and there is no shortage of reading to do on nursing. I will include some of the best sources at the bottom of this post! And if you are lucky enough to have a La Leche League branch in your area - Go! Go while the baby is still easily trapped inside you! You will be glad to have support if you need it - and if you don't you will at least meet some pretty accepting and awesome moms.


Some important places to visit before starting your breastfeeding relationship: 
Kellymom.com - Up to date evidence based research about breastfeeding - from basic introductions all the way to "How much wine can I have with dinner?"
La Leche League International - Tap into mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education and find a group local to you.
Dr Sears' Breastfeeding Index - Over 50 articles on the topic of nursing your baby, including a lot of trouble shooting and helpful tips as well as the science behind those mammary glands.
Dr Newman's Breastfeeding Help - Videos and printable PDFs on a variety of roadblocks that any new mother might hit - but that don't have to signal the end of your nursing relationship.

One last thing I didn't realize before I started breastfeeding? How proud I would be to hit this three month milestone and how fast it would arrive at my feet. How three months can seem like such a short amount of time while also feel like forever, I don't know. But I'm so excited to see what the next three months have in store. Best of luck to any expectant mothers, I can only hope that my realizations will help anybody preparing to start a wonderful breastfeeding journey.

Read more from me about breastfeeding.